Greetings! Welcome to the latest edition of The New Absurdist‘s ‘Siskel and Deadebert’ story reviews. As you may or may not know, Deadebert has been, well...dead for some time now. He can no longer give the thumbs up so we’ll have to do rotting appendages. I myself, Gene Siskel, am NOT dead, but I have infected my limbs with gangrene, so that I may also give a rotting appendage up or down. This week’s we are going to discuss the works of Tulse Luper and pose the questions: who is behind these works? Peter Greenway? Luper himself? Or another?
Deadebert: Well, this week, we aren't going to review a TNA story, per se. Siskel: No, we were forced upon another mission by polycarp -- at gunpoint. Deadebert: And a good thing for him he packed that derringer, for without the threat of it, and knowing the sheer boredom this research has put upon me, I certainly would have never willingly done so otherwise. Siskel: Is Tulse Luper a real person? Deadebert: I still am unsure. Siskel: Do I care? Deadebert: Probably not. Siskel: Peter Greenaway is a filmmaker -- those of the worst type. Terrible because Mr. Greenaway is obsessed with making the most 'intellectual' type of garbage and forcing it upon his viewers, in the hopes of boosting his own fragile ego. Deadebert: And who are we to put forth such views -- having not seen a minute of any of his films? Siskel: Allow me to answer that one: I need no authority, only this 800 large mailing list and an audience to share it with -- and the freedom to say as I like once a week.
Deadebert: Greenaway is highly concerned with trivial things, such as the number 92 and dull characters that appear and reappear in his other films; anything other then to dwell on some type or style of art which is in any way real -- 'real' in that it affects human life and my own putrid existance, which NEVER has anything to do with silly quotes like this one: (from the filmmaker himself) "One description of The Tulse Luper Suitcases is to describe it as the autobiography of a professional prisoner. It may be that we are all prisoners of something - love, money, sex, fame, religious belief, power, ambition, greed, debt, a job, a garden, a dog, train-time-tables, a mortgage..." Siskel: Oh be quiet. Deadebert: Indeed, I've already heard enough. Siskel: Reviewer Jonathan Romney has well summed up Mr. Greenaway's fartings upon celluloid: "Greenaway clearly aspires to do for cinema what James Joyce did for the novel, yet The Moab Story [the film -- 'Tulse Luper's Suitcases'] resembles less Ulysses than Finnegans Wake. Often the bombardment of information is too much to absorb, let alone interpret... For the most part it is exhausting to watch, and Greenaway over-estimates the skills and stamina of even the most sophisticated audiences... Greenaway has certainly raised the bar for a new kind of cinema, but whether many audiences will want - or even be able - to follow him on the journey is moot." Deadebert: Certainly, reading Joyce is a good analogy: boring, boring, boring. Siskel: Feel free to rent Greenaway's crap and watch for days on end, followed with reading aloud passages of Joyce's 'finest works'. Then masturbate furiously; if you are lucky enough, you might find some reward to these useless activities (not beating off which is certainly productive, at least moreso then consuming Joyce and/or Greenaway). Deadebert: Well back to the point at hand: if Tulse Luper does not exist, then who posted these stories to TNA?
Siskel: According to polycarp, the stories have been with the site since its beginnings, and before that with the original Absurdism! web site. Deadebert: Let's assume for a moment then that Greenaway is the actual author of Luper's works. Siskel: Did he physically post them? If not, the only other possibility is that a fan of 'Tulse Luper' (as described in Greenaway's useless films) or of Greenaway himself has copied them and posted them to the site. Deadebert: In which case, this is an apt description of plagerism as I know it. Siskel: And futhermore, this makes TNA guilty by association, as polycarp has made no efforts to remove these stolen tales from the site. Deadebert: I think there is only one punishment fit for polycarp and TNA. Siskel: Drawn and quartered. Deadebert: No, we'll save that for mr. satan165 himself. For polycarp and all others who choose to write their names lacking a capitalized first letter: sue the shit out of them. Siskel: Yes indeed! Let this Sunday's review be a call to lawyers the world around to bring many lawsuits against TNA and the people that run it! Deadebert: polycarp hasn't a dime to his name, but I hear he does have a few liters of Hungarian beer in the fridge. Siskel: Never mind, they're gone. He's drunk again, how disgusting. Deadebert: Well that's what lawyers are for: they figure out ways to sue you for the stuff even you don't even have. Maybe polycarp could become an indentured servant or something to pay back his misdeeds against the international community. Siskel: In closing, I should mention that 'An Ecological Park' is my favorite story. Although really none of the stories by 'Tulse Luper' are flawed. Deadebert: Indeed, its use of pattern and math is one of those things in life so simple yet perfect that makes you say, 'Why didn't I think of that?' Siskel: I'll tell you why. Because you aren't a snobby British filmmaker. Deadebert: Ah yes. Thanks for the reality check.